I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
