The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
