I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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