You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
