My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
