He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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