I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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