Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
