I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
