pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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