Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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