I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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