When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
