Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize