our cab driver is having phone sex.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
