come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
