I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
