Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Found your dick twin last night
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
