google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
