During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
