Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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