Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
