She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
