why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
