I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
