At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
