Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
