i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
