Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This baby is an asshole
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
