Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
