i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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