I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
