that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
