When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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