IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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