Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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