you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
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