my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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