tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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