My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
