Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
