my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Randomize