hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
