I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
