So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
