We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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