He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize