my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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