Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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