my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
