if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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