First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think your dad took our porno
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
