The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
