If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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