Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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