if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
