Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
