My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
