my phone needs a breathalizer
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My bed smells like the plague
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
