What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
