were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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