We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
