I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
