so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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