even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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