The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
