There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
