Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
