i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
