Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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