No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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